your. SMILE(:

The cold water splashed hard on her body.

Without a flinch, she drew herself closer to the water, gushing downwards, flowing over every single inch of her body. She knew her body was sore and aching, her legs were scratched and her skin should have reacted with the water. Yet she was anesthetized by the physical surroundings, oblivious to her sense organs. She silenced the tenderness and wished with all her might, that the water can in turn silence that certain emotional pain inside of her.

She forced herself to relieve all the episodically events, every single bit of them, she took in her stride, knowing she will fall deeper into the pit hole. Her tears formed in an instant, and she surrendered, finally, to her heart, breaking and hurting at the very moment. She sobbed silently, coughing into the water and covering her mouth, lest she let out gasps of pain. Sorrow and devastation, her mind could only replay that same line, that seems so ever fresh in her memory, “Do you know, how much my heart is breaking because of you?” She should have known, that the worst feeling isn’t when your own heart cracks, it’s when you created a deep dark fissure in that one person’s heart you never meant to hurt, ever, that one person whom you dutifully love with every pump your heart beats, every blink your eyes make and every breath you take. The wrenching was more than bearing, it was tearing her apart. She turned the tap further downwards, hoping, wishing, and longing for each droplet to wash away her peccadillo, her wrongs, and her sins. The force of the water kept her remorse alive, to remind her just how undeserving she was of others’ love, and how she has grown a cowardly and useless shell over her back, having to carry it and disappoint her only true love, yet again. Flames burn in her stomach, and she felt her heart wrenched for a second time. Strangely, she willed for more painful memories to be replayed, like a roll of film reversing backwards. She knew she couldn’t acquaint with anyone about her life outside, or even in her very house. Her insides were screaming at her to stop thinking, feeling and thinking, and inevitably, the images popped into her, tormenting her mentality every moment. As she recalled how she walked through her day, distracted and preoccupied, she felt choked up with negative emotions, almost ready to burst into zero existence if she had the chance. She was exhausted, definitely. She ran, ran for her life, hoping that in some corner, she can trip, fall, and disappear into the greens below. Dirty as for sure, but rid of all problems. She battled with her mind all the same, deciding to take the gutless and spineless way out. Her lungs ache, but she ran all the same. She was hoping to be saved from that damn salvation, wanting to blame the whole world for everything, knowing that it’s a mistake to run right from the start. And yet when she started, she realized just how fast her mind shut out all recollections.

Traumatized and distressed, she finally recognized the fact that she wasn’t in the right state of mind emotionally. Even after running, she felt as if she was in a daze, regret filled her heart soon after, yet she blinded them away, unwilling to be condemned, not just yet. She was in daylight daze, seemingly unfazed by anything around her. She couldn’t even remember herself at the moment, and it was what she wanted, wasn’t it? No. Cold hard truth. No. The pain she had caused to another from her own root of pain, was a million times worse than anything else. Yes, being upset and disconcerted could not serve as a reason to explain her outrageous behaviour, her selfishness, her inability to place him before herself. Mere excuses. The consequences faced afterwards, how she had to see the agonized look in his face, every new and unsullied painful truth reliving through his mind, with her very own eyes, how much she fucking hate herself more than ever…

Snapping back to reality, she turned off the running tap, rubbed her skin incessantly, before dressing up to cover her skin. All that’s left to do is to start picking up the pieces where she left them, and do her best, and do what’s even beyond her ability to undo her mistakes. She will damned-it do whatever it takes, even if it means everything.